I wish I had some really powerful message to share that would encourage & inspire every single mama out there struggling with chronic illness, pain or struggling with anything really, because don't we all have our struggles? Unfortunately I don’t… all I have is what I’ve learned over the years that help me, and I hope in some way it wil encourage you
My kids don’t remember a time when I was well. But they have seen my condition decline over the years. The guilt I feel over that is strong. I’ve missed anything from class parties to awards ceremonies and everything in between. I cringe even just writing that, there's so much shame there. When I was dreaming of being a mom one day I didn’t dream of the ways I’d disappoint my one day babies by not making their events. I have had to really, really battle guilt and shame. I’d say this one area in particular has really challenged my identity, including my faith. I am a perfectionist who always had a very clear image of the kind of mom I wanted to be and not many of those things have materialized. Once my medication doses were cut and meds rearranged, I became bedridden. As a result I felt more useless and like the biggest failure. We had to teach my kids to do their own laundry. To cook light meals. And truly to care for themselves because my husband works long hours to compensate for my cut in income and some days I have a hard enough time taking care of my own needs, much less 2 kids! When you are in so much pain you can hardly leave the bed or in so much pain all you have the energy to do is fight to get through this one day, or one hour or on really bad days this minute. You learn to let a lot of things like a spotless home, and gourmet meals go and the kids have to know how to meet some of those basic needs. I’ve learned in a lot of ways to accept it and stop beating myself up for things that are out of my control. I used to really badger myself- which even typing that sounds ridiculous- because of what I now know was because of my comparisons to other moms who could do so much more for their kids. The things I had always set out to do. The very things I so desperately wanted to do and be as a mom were the things that I could not do. The things I saw seemingly every other mama doing and it wrecked me, so I felt shame. Now that I've grown in that area and realized that truly I'm doing the best I can and didn't ask to be born with faulty genes, get hit head on when someone ran a red light or t-boned by a distracted driver leaving me in constant, severe pain. Those things are things that were not in my control therefore were not my fault. I know that seems pretty obvious but I used to just live in guilt and shame because of how my own kids were missing out. That and they didn't ask for a sickly mama, they deserved to have what all their friends had, Mom’s who volunteer at school, or take them to do fun things or any number of things I mostly can’t do.
I guess what I’m getting at is once I got past letting the guilt consume me I was able to embrace where I’m at and make the best of it. I’ve noticed that now it’s easier for me to really embrace this "normal" and make the best of a less than ideal situation I’m starting to see things in a different light. My normal is not what I envisioned or thought motherhood would be like so I have to accept that. The other day I was shopping for my daughter’s birthday gift with my son. He kept wanting to walk off on his own & he asked if he could keep looking and meet me in the car. We were in Hobby Lobby so truthfully I wondered what he was up to, but hey, you gotta give em a chance to be individuals right? About 10 minutes later he comes to the car and hands me this mug that says, "a son's first hero", my jaw dropped and it was all I could do to not burst into tears but I didn't want to freak him out. I am pretty much always drinking coffee. This was the sweetest thing EVER in my eyes. It had been an awful day and I was really battling feeling like a failure. So my 12 year old son, who could’ve spent what little money he has saved up on something for himself. Instead, he spent it on something he knew I’d love and would encourage me. I can’t, even typing this chokes me up. And this isn’t the first time he’s done something like this. This child would wait on me hand and foot if I let him. For years he has reprimanded me when he sees me “over-doing” it, he knows my limits better than me sometimes lol. He is a mama’s boy through and through and I LOVE IT I must admit. But, it’s been a fear of mine for a while that he’ll see just how different it is with other kids moms and maybe wish he were adopted or begin to resent me because it’s another school break and he'll likely be stuck at home not doing something fun or being taken anywhere to do anything for that matter because I can’t even leave the house(I don’t verbalize any of this to my kids just in case you were wondering btw ;). The same is true about my daughter too, she is always making me coffee, or making sure I’ve got enough water or asking if I need my headache ice pack or my oils. My point is not to brag but to encourage maybe another mama that needs to hear it that they see us trying our hardest and it is enough! You are enough! They are taking in all of our love and effort, they are truly learning! They don’t see us and think, "man she sure is sucking it up in the mom department, I really wish so & so was my mom because she keeps a spotless house and cooks from scratch, whole food, organic meals." NO! Just…NO!! What it took me so long to see is that they just want and need us, a mom who loves them unconditionally, and shows them that love in a way they can receive it. They want our attention and time. They want US! Yes, vacations, projects and fun stuff are great but IF you are in a similar situation where you’re unable to do those things on a regular basis or at all. Just know you are enough. Both my kids tell me I’m their best friend and the best mom in the world frequently. Again, not bragging but sharing to remind some other tired and weary Mama out there who feels they’re failing their kids for whatever reason, the fact that you are feeling that way most likely means YOU ARE NOT what you are fearing and you are a GREAT MOM, You are the BEST Mom and the Mom that YOUR kids need! I remember when an older wiser mom would tell me something like that back in the days of littles I’d think, what does that even mean, I don’t do Pinterest projects with them, or any crafts or activities (or whatever the heck all the best, Pinterest perfect mom's were doing). I am not the best mom for them, someone who can actually run and play and chase them is! I remember my son being less than 2 and feeling terrible because he was watching the CARS movie for the 104th time while I was in bed. He was with me, cuddling and had his bink, happy as a clam but I was feeling guilty! Insanity! Now that he is close to towering over me, his voice is cracking & is truly growing up I can see that I squandered so many moments I wish I’d have just been present in because of guilt or fear or whatever garbage was keeping my perfectionist self in knots. So, I guess what I’m trying to say and maybe I’m the only one who needs to hear it and I’m ok with that because I needed reminded often, is: ((DON'T MISS OUT ON THE MOMENT BECAUSE YOU ARE SO FOCUSED ON WHAT ISN'T RIGHT OR PERFECT)). Life is messy. It isn’t perfect and probably never will be this side of eternity. As long as we are loving these babies with our whole hearts and doing our best to raise them right, then we are killing it at this Mom thing as far as I'm concerned and my kids seem to agree (or at least they do for now lol) and I'm sure yours' do too!
Wednesday was my daughter’s 11th birthday and for months I had promised her we’d go spend her gift card and go to the mall. Well, yesterday we finally made it. Old Jenny would have been so in her head because she was 11 and having her shopping trip with me that we'd talked about doing for years. I'd have been so fixated on making it perfect and in the back of my mind thinking she's 11 and just now having her first shopping trip with me and her first macaroon for goodness sake WAAAH...so lost in my thoughts I would not be present. I know, ridiculous right!? Maybe that isn't your thing and I'm so glad if it's not, truly. But if it is, here are some things I learned along the way that helped me to get to this new place, where I’m not always living in mom guilt & shame.
1.) STOP COMPARING: it helps NO ONE but least of all YOU! You are enough, You are the best mama for your babies and they see all the effort you are putting in every day. ESPECIALLY if you're battling chronic illness and pain, they see what a fighter you are and they are inspired so don't compare yourself to anyone. You are good enough as you are!
2.) BE PRESENT: yea, I know. Some days that's not possible whether physically or just in the emotional/mental sense. On those days I literally pray for the perspective to remember how brief my time with these sweet kiddos really is. Because, if I'm not careful I'll keep my face buried in my phone or be distracted by something else and miss out, feeding the monster that mommy guilt is. Or, on bad pain and sick days I can be short & grouchy so I've got to be careful about keeping my perspective right so what little time I do have with them is good time
3.) DO YOUR BEST AND FORGET THE REST: cheesy but has helped me. You can only do so much. I am always reading and trying to improve so I can be the best me I can be, the best mom I can be and love my kids the best way I possibly can. I totally believe there's always room for improvement. But, at some point you have to know that you've given it your all, your best, and be ok with that. Otherwise you will always be striving for the unattainable and missing out on what's happening here and now!
4.) GIVE YOURSELF GRACE. this is something my kids have grown up hearing many times when I could have given them a consequence I'll choose sometimes to give them grace instead depending on the issue. Well, I learned I also need to give myself grace because how can I be patient with them if I'm being so hard on myself?
5.) CUT YOURSELF SOME SLACK. Motherhood is not easy! As you're well aware it is not for the faint of heart. Learning to laugh and lighten up has helped me immensely. Especially as my kids enter into the teen years I've come to the conclusion that I'm going to have to laugh or I just might go crazy ;) I am loving this tween age phase so far, it has been great getting to laugh with my kids and see their personalities emerge.
At the end of the day our kids know we love them and are doing our best with whatever struggles we are up against. Whether that's sickness, chronic pain, or any number of challenges. They don't need perfect parents they need to see what it looks like to live out our lives the best we can in the midst of challenges since life is so messy! The way I look at it my kids are going to be better equipped than if I had been able to do any and every thing for them that I would have wanted to. So depending on how you look at it, in a way they are at an advantage! So, hang in there Mama, you really are rocking this Mom thing and your kids see and know it even when they don't seem very appreciative. If you are reading this and have any suggestions on what has helped you along the way in the midst of your challenges please share below. I would love to hear them. It really does take a village
